Why I oppose dating in high school

To some of my students, this is now known as the "Cincinnati Talk."

The last two years on our mission trip to Cincinnati, I have had a conversation with two different couples in our youth group who are fairly serious. While this is not all I talked about with them, it was a part of our discussion.

I shared with both couples that I feel dating in high school (or younger) is not a good idea. I don't think it's a sin. I don't look down on students who date in high school. I just feel it is not the best thing physically, socially, emotionally, or spiritually.

Disclaimer here...I know I am not the parent of a teenager yet. I know that "when my son becomes a teenager I will change my opinion." I have heard the numerous arguments and the like. I write this as a parent of a six-year-old. But I also write this as someone who has spent the last eleven years of my life (8 of them in full-time ministry) working with teenagers. 

While I do not necessarily have "book, chapter, and verse" against dating, I do believe that dating as it exists today in American culture can be destructive. That is why I oppose it. Let me explain.

When I ask students why they date, I get a variety of answers. If I were to group them into categories, they might include things like the following:

"It's just what teenagers do."

"I like him/her. So we decided to date."

"I want to develop my dating skills."

And my personal favorite..."Why shouldn't I?"

If we were to peel back the layers and get to the heart of it, I think a lot of the real reasons would sound like this:

"I can't control my hormones, so I need to be with one person."

"I am not secure about who I am, so I need this person to validate me."

"My parents don't show me affection or attention, so I need to find it somewhere."

I willingly acknowledge these are generalizations. But at the same time, I believe these are the real reasons a lot of teenagers date. And this is one of the reasons I oppose dating in high school.

Students are still trying to find themselves and figure out who they are. Attaching so much of their identity to another person often sets them up for failure. This can arise in a number of ways:

They might have sex with their boyfriend/girlfriend to keep the relationship when the other person threatens to leave unless they "move to the next level."

They might have sex with their girlfriend/boyfriend in exchange for the affection and attention they crave.

They will often invest so much of their emotions in that other person (to gain emotional acceptance), that when the relationship dissolves, they are in worse emotional condition than they were when they first started in the relationship.

The unfortunate thing about these and other consequences of seeking acceptance in a relationship at a young age, is that they usually delay the developmental process even longer.

In addition to the immediate impact of these relationships, I believe there are other, longer lasting consequences.

I have heard so many causes for the increased divorce rate. I would argue that the dating culture that exploded in the second half of the 20th century has contributed significantly to the increase in divorces in our country. I don't have statistics or studies to prove this, but think about it.

When students date, they often jump from relationship to relationship. I don't know the figures, but I know many of the students in my youth groups have had more middle school and high school relationships than I can count on both hands. I realize others have had none or few.

The more relationships students have, the easier it gets to break up. Like any other habit, the more often you do something, the more likely you are to continue that habit. I have heard students argue that they can date as much as they want in high school, but when they get older and "settle down" they will stick with one person.

That is great in theory, but how have they trained themselves emotionally? "When I am unhappy and finally fed up with this person, I will dump them." You can't ignore your past.

While this is a short version of what I think, it is a synopsis of why I oppose dating in high school.

I acknowledge there are exceptions. There are two teenagers at our church who just graduated from high school this past spring. They have been dating for over a year and now and I fully expect they will be married some day. But they were mature for their age and waited until their senior year to start dating. They are both staying in the area and appear to have been very cautious in the physical aspect of their relationship. They both also seem to have had very limited dating experiences prior to this relationship. (I just moved here two years ago, so I could be wrong.)

If you are a teenager, please don't send hate mail. ;-)

Parents and other adults, we need to be proactive. I am not talking about being proactive by sheltering teenagers. This is where I think we often get it wrong. As soon as we see behavior we disagree with, we tighten the shackles. While discipline is good (when appropriate) and while there are times we need to crack down, sometimes we move too quickly in that area.

Our work first starts before our children ever make it to the teenage years. Are we setting healthy boundaries at a younger age? I am not talking specifically about dating boundaries, but boundaries in general. It is much healthier, although challenging, to gradually give freedom to our children in various aspects of life. This can be hard and I struggle with this myself as a father. But we need to learn as parents to allow our children to expand their boundaries and have freedom to make mistakes. I would rather deal with a bunch of small mistakes than face the consequences of a big one.

We also need to make time for our children. In this busy world where children are often treated as more of a bother than a joy, is it any wonder they seek out attention and affection elsewhere? Buying your children nice clothes, living in a nice house, and giving them a comfortable lifestyle are nice, but they will never replace time spent with parents. No dress, jet ski, or jewelry will ever replace the investment of your time.

Dating is not the problem, it is a symptom. It is a symptom of a society where we have abandoned our youth. We have abandoned them for our own satisfaction and fulfillment. We have turned over parenting to teachers, coaches, youth workers, and others (where adults are forced to parent dozens of children at time - not the best idea). We have left them to figure out life on their own. Dating is a part of a youth culture where students are forced to lean on each other because we are not there for them.

The real sin isn't dating - it's the culture where many adults have neglected their call to invest in the next generation. We have traded the promise of the future for the pleasure of the present.

shine!
Jason