Hiding the pain

Tonight I had some teenagers at my house for CrossTraining. It's this informal Bible study mixed with social time and yummy snacks. I don't really plan anything. We just all show up and see what comes up.

Tonight we spent most of the time talking about revenge. We shared stories of times we got revenge on people. We discussed reasons why people seek revenge. Sometimes we are angry. Other times we want to get even. Often we want them to feel the same pain we do.

Aren't a lot of the the problems we have in relationships caused by trying to hide pain? I mean, think about it.

We build up walls so we don't have to share our hurt. Then we can't fully connect with people.

We fall into addictions because we want to comfort our hurt. Then we disconnect from others because of the shame of the addiction. Or we may even act out in ways that push others away.

We put others down because of the inferiority we feel from our hurt. So we place barriers between us and them.

We can get so frustrated with ourselves and get to a point where we feel like we have lost control. The apostle Paul describes this place in life well:

So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin. (Romans 7:14-25)

Listen to Paul's torment as he wrestles with his sin. We all have been there at times. A place where it seems like no matter how hard we try, sin seems to win.

But I find hope in the last part of this passage. "The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord." What a relief! I am not the answer for my problems. Jesus Christ is the answer!

Now, this is not some easy, accept Jesus into your heart thing. I mean this is hard work. We cannot simply pray a prayer and expect God to wave his magic wand and our troubles go away. This discipleship business is hard work!

Which brings us back to tonight's conversation. One area where many of us struggle is anger and revenge. We want to get even. We want to strike back. But God has a different idea. Here is Paul later in his same letter to the Roman church:

Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!

Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.

Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,

   â€œI will take revenge;
      I will pay them back,"
      says the Lord.

Instead,

   â€œIf your enemies are hungry, feed them.
      If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.
   In doing this, you will heap
      burning coals of shame on their heads.”

Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good. (Romans 12:14-21)

Did you catch that? How do we conquer evil? We do good.

We must develop the habits of reacting to bad things with good actions. This is not easy and takes a lot of work. It will require stumbling and falling. It will mean we sometimes get it wrong. It may even mean we occasionally hurt people along the way.

But it also means we have to make the tough choices and surround ourselves with people that will help us out along the way. It means we may have to say no to some things just to protect ourselves. It may require us to make significant changes in our life.

Do you want help in dealing with pain? Then it's time to share it with someone. As long as we keep it in and try to mask the pain through anger, addiction, revenge, or a host of other unhealthy methods, we will continue to suffer in the private world of loneliness and despair. God has called us to, "Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2)  Obey that law and watch walls go down and hope blossom.

shine!
Jason