Today, one year later, I look back at the journey I have taken. It has been a roller coaster ride of life changes and reflection. A time to look back at my past and look ahead to my future.
My dad's death has proven to be a pivotal moment in my life. It has both forced me and freed me to look at ways my family has influenced and impacted my life for the better and the worse. The death of my last direct ancestor means that the ink is dry for every story up the blood line. No more pages to write. No more plot twists. No more chapters. I am sure there are stories that remain untold, but none remain unwritten.
This realization has challenged me over this last year to consider the stories that were written and how that shapes the story that I write every day. This deep relfection on those stories cause me to face the demons of my past in way that I never have before, acknowledging there are unspoken parts of the story that have been passed down, in one way or another, from one generation to the next.
I'm not here to air my dirty laundry, but rather to acknowledge that I, like every one of you reading this, have some. Some demons are small and rather inconsequential. Others are unimaginable beasts. Most of us likely find our demons somewhere inbetween.
Death is a funny thing. It's finality is both a blessing and a curse. You can never have the conversations you wish you had engaged in. But you can also acknowledge the things you never thought you could face.
Are there things I wish I had said? Absolutely. But for some reason I never had the courage.
As there things I am glad I didn't say? Yes. And for the wisdom to keep my mouth shut I am glad.
We all grieve differently. Walking alongside others through grief over the last nearly 20 years has taught me that. But there is something about grieving that must be consistent. We must find ways to work through our grief. To process and heal and grow. No two people will take the same path to get there, but it is a journey we must take. Otherwise, the grief can become a toxin that poisons our soul.
But I am not just talking about death, but anything in life that brings about grief, a list longer than I can put here.
Suffering is a part of the human experience. It is unavoidable and we are all forced to face it. But it's how we face it that makes all the difference. We can either allow sufering to control us or we can embrace our suffering and find purpose and meaning in it. We can be the victim or we can do the difficult work of seeking to be the victor.
This is the lesson I have learned since my dad's death. It is the journey I continue a year after his passing. We must look back. We cannot avoid what has made us who we are. It is foolishness to ignore the stories that have impacted the strokes of the pen in our lives. But it is fatal to set up camp there.
Rather, we must look ahead at the blank pages that lie before us. While acknowledging the things that got us here, we must decide to pick up the pen and write a new page, a new chapter. It will often be difficult and unpleasant to write, but most stories don't come without conflict and pain and struggle. But those are the pages we have to write, the paths we have to take.
We are human, so grief will always be a part of our story, but it doesn't have to be the dominant plot line. Suffering can be the foundation upon which we write a better story. Will it be more complex than the fairybook stories we often grew up with? Absolutely! But that complexity brings a richness and depth that brings truer meaning and purpose to life.
No life is worthless or meaningless. But if we fail to face our demons, those dark turns in the story, we will often miss the richest opportunities to tell a better story filled with redemption and renewal. And those are the stories, no matter how messy, that reflect the true nature of the Kingdom.
shine!
Jason
