Coming out of the dark

The last fifteen months or so have arguably been the darkest season of my life. Looking back over the landscape of that time, I believe that this time even eclipses 1999, the year that Michelle and I both lost our mothers. You see, it is one thing to lose a close family member. It is quite another to walk with an entire church community through a host of difficulties while dealing with your own personal struggles.

I am not seeking pity or praise for the last year or so, but as I look back at what the last fifteen months have been, I have new appreciation for the words of the psalmist, "Even though I walk through the darkest valley..." (Psalm 23:4) I feel like I have walked through a valley and as I stand on the edge of that valley and look back at the path, I see death, destruction, and discouragement in the midst of the hell that the Rochester Church and I have journeyed through together.

The death of a mother of four (including a teenager still at home) after fighting a brain tumor for five long years.

The unexpected death of a friend and partner in ministry, a 31-year-old husband and father of three (one of them still in the womb at the time of his death).

The tragic death of a seven-year-old child in a freak sledding accident.

The death of a 21-year-old young man who had been in my youth group, and the long recovery for his twin brother, who suffered serious injuries in the accident.

These are only the tip of the iceberg for a dark and difficult season in the life of our church family.

I don't think you realize the weight of walking through a war zone until you escape it. I have never served in the armed forces nor have I been in a physical battle, but I have been through a spiritual battle in the last year or so. These have been some of the deepest, darkest days of my life, but only now am I fully realizing where I have been and the impact it has had on me.

It's funny how you don't really grasp how dark it is until light erupts on the horizon. I'm just now really beginning to understand how this has all affected me.

And in the midst of everything above, our church also went through a significant staff transition and I wrestled with my own calling in ministry. There were times I considered walking away from ministry. Other times I had no idea what to do. And in the midst of these upheaval and uncertainty, God spoke clearly to me and I returned to my true calling to minister to students and their families.

I don't share this to receive sympathy. Rather, I want each of us to realize that sometimes we are in the darkness and we don't realize it. Other times, we may get frustrated with others walking in darkness, but we need to realize they may not see it.

These past months have taken a toll on me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I have gained back nearly half the weight I lost. I have not been the husband and father I should have been. My relationship with God has suffered. But today, I stand on the dawn of a new day. I look back at the valley, but just for a minute. Then I look to the future, to a new horizon.

In the early 1990's, singer Gloria Estefan was seriously injured in an accident. Following that accident and her struggles in the months after, Estefan penned the words to a song that made it all the way to the top of the charts. I think these words speak to a hope we all long for and a healing we all seek. While she wrote these words to her husband, I want to take these same words and direct them to the One who has ultimately brought me out of the darkness.

Why be afraid if I'm not alone
Though life is never easy the rest in unkown
Up to now for me it's been hands against stone
Spent each and every moment
Searching for what to believe

Coming out of the dark, I finally see the light now
It's shinning on me
Coming out of the dark, I know the love that saved me
You're sharing with me

Starting again is part of the plan
And I'll be so much stronger holding your hand
Step by step I'll make it through I know I can
It may not make it easier but I have felt you
Near all the way

Forever, forever I stand on the rock of your love
Forever I'll stand on the rock
Forever, forever I stand on the rock of your love
Love is all it takes, no matter what we face

Thank you, Lord, for walking with me though the valley of death. Thank you for shining your light into the darkness. Thank you for bringing me out of the dark.

shine!
Jason