Does God have one person chosen for you?

Last night I attended a Parenting for Purity seminar at a local church here in the Rochester Hills area. I am not one to talk bad about other churches, so I will not name the church. My point here is not to bash anyone, but to consider the question you find in the title of this post.

While I fundamentally agreed with much of the practical aspects of the presentation last night, I disagree with several of the "pillars" of purity the speaker discussed. He believes that, "God has a specific person He intends for someone to marry." His next two pillars state that, "It is God's responsibility to bring two people together" and "God reveals to a person who that specific person is."

If you read some of the essays I posted here during my grad class with Dr. Rubel Shelly, you have already read some of my thoughts on the overall issue of free will and determinism. I also wrote a lengthy term paper for the class examining this topic. (If you care to read this "enthralling" piece, I would be glad to share it with you.) ;-)

Here is my struggle with the idea that God has one special person picked out for you:

Does God really determine the details of our lives and pick things out for us? I find it hard to believe that God has picked out everyone's mate and has arranged everything for that to happen. If he has, why is the divorce rate so high? Those who believe God has chosen that person would argue that you ended up with the wrong one.

Well, if God is really in control enough of my life to pick my spouse, shouldn't He make sure I end up with that person? If I don't pick the right person, is that sin, since it is - in essence - disobeying God?

Having an "arranged" marriage from God is not really the core issue, and I understand that. Essentially, this view emerges from a broader approach to Scripture and God. There are those who believe in determinism, which basically teaches that God has a plan for your life and that every detail is already determined by God. Your job is to figure out what that plan is.

I have to disagree.

I agree that God has created each of us with unique gifts, personalities, and passions. We are made for a purpose. And we are made for a plan. But I don't believe that God has scripted the details of that plan.

If we follow that argument to its logical conclusion, then God has determined when I will eat, what kind of car I drive, and more. If God maps out the details of my life, it's not really my life; it's His.

I believe that we have the free will to make choices about our lives. We will choose the job we want. We will live where we want to live. We will marry whom we choose to marry.

I do believe that God knows who we will marry. While God may not control our lives, He is aware of the choices we will make. However, His foreknowledge does not equate to His controlling our choices.

I believe that our task is not to seek out the one person God has prepared for us. Rather, we are to select someone who shares our values as a Christ-follower and then be the person God wants us to be in that relationship. Marriage is not about finding the person God picked out for us; it's about being Christ to the person we pick.

As I said earlier, outside of this significant disagreement, I found myself agreeing with much of what I heard. While our starting point is different, I agree with the idea that we must be faithful to our spouse long before we meet them.

The speaker argued that since God has already chosen someone, you should be faithful to them even before you meet them. I agree in principle with his point. Whether you meet your future spouse at 5, 15, 25, or later, you must prepare yourself to be the best partner you can be for that person.

What does that look like? It means you live the same way before your wedding as you do after. Would you have a sexual relationship with someone else besides your wife or husband? (I would hope you answer no.) So what makes it any different before you get married? If giving away a part of yourself emotionally or physically is bad when you are married, how can giving away a part of yourself emotionally or physically be good before you get married?

I know that some people will argue that you need to "learn" before you meet that person so you can be a better spouse. So let me get this straight. If I give away parts of my heart (through emotional and/or physical bonding) to someone else, that will make me a better partner in my marriage?

I find it hard to believe that memories of ex-boyfriends/girlfriends and the times you had with them will make you a stronger spouse. When times get tough in marriage (and they do in every marriage), how many of us want our spouse thinking back to that high school or college sweetheart (who they didn't have to share the struggles of day-to-day life with) and comparing us to them?

While I don't believe that God has one person picked out for you, I do believe that He wants you to pick one person. But before that day comes, your responsibility is to focus on your own walk with God and become the best man or woman for your future partner. When we take our eyes off of that goal and look to fill our selfish desires, everyone will lose and the world will suffer.

shine!
Jason