I'm assuming most of you have seen at least one episode of the TV show Friends. These six young adults all sharing life in a variety of ways. In some ways that show reminds me of a phenomena that is happening in the youth culture today. Just like the lives of those six friends, our youth often exclusively turn to one another for advice and guidance as they face difficult decisions and struggles in life.
Don't get me wrong; I believe that our youth need to share with each other, encourage each other, and hold each other accountable. But should this take place in a realm void of more mature and experienced voices?
I will admit that this is a difficult balancing act that I still don't feel like I often handle the right way. I struggle to give students enough freedom to process information and make decisions while still trying to offer a different perspective. Sometimes I say too little. Other times, too much. But I would rather fail trying than not try at all. That would be real failure.
Adolescence is a challenging time for everyone involved. Students want freedom and security. Parents want control and distance. Other adults want growth and obedience. We all dance the dance of "growing up." We want our teenagers to develop and grow into mature, responsible adults. We also want them to listen to us and do what we ask. Like a cold front and a warm front coming together on a Spring afternoon, this often results in a storm. And unfortunately, we adults often react with one of two extremes. We either shut off conversation or we fight back.
I'm not sure why this happens. Let me offer some suggestions. We adults are too busy and don't have time for this. We are already incredibly stressed and this brings us to a boiling point. We have our own issues of insecurity. We don't feel like dealing with it. And sometimes, I think we realize that our kids are right and we don't want to admit we are wrong.
No, this is not an exhaustive list, but it is something to think about.
So many people want to blame MTV and other aspects of the culture for what is happening to our children. The last time I checked the TV in my house has an on/off switch and the ability to change channels. Do we have a right to be concerned about the garbage that our teenagers are surrounded by in culture? Absolutely. But if all we do is complain without involving ourselves in the situation, we have no right to object.
I'm not talking about protesting MTV or railing about the decline in moral values. Sure, we can talk about those things. But if we are not engaging our young people directly and getting involved intimately in their lives it's not just irresponsible; it is sinful.
God calls us to be involved in the lives of our young people. Not in a overbearing way. Not like a dictator giving orders. By the time our kids are teenagers it's too late for that. We tell our six-year-olds what to do, not our sixteen-year-olds. Sure, parents still have parental authority and children still need to obey their parents. But the teenage years are a time of letting go and getting ready to leave. And this requires a fundamental shift in how we engage adolescents. We are no longer giving orders. We transition to a role that looks more like a coach or mentor. We give direction and send them out to "play the game."
Ok, so what does all of this have to do with ministering to families with youth? Everything.
(Let me interject this all-important statement. We youth ministers must realize we don't know everything. We must show humility as we interact with parents. Most of us are not yet parents of a teenager. Parents have a lot of wisdom that we will not gain for years. But, we have something to offer to the conversation. We have a perspective as someone not in the midst of their battle. But let's be sure we don't come across as know-it-alls, because we aren't.)
Having said that, we need to help parents as much as we help our students. Sure, the way we engage parents will be different, but we must do it. We should look at ourselves as a translator who can help bridge a gap between parents and teenagers. Will we mess it up sometimes? Sure. But God's grace will carry us through.
Our role with parents and their teenagers is both the same and different. In both situations we are more moderator and facilitator than we are imparter of knowledge. We don't have all the answers, but we have something to offer to the discussion. We are a third party that can see both sides.
(Sidebar here: We as youth ministers have to be willing to be seen as "uncool" sometimes by our students. This can be hard, because we want to be liked by our "kids." But if we are truly going to be agents of transformation and reconciliation, there will be times our students simply won't like us. Now, I am not talking about the whole youth group hating us. But there will be times that we need to stand up for the parents, and teenagers won't appreciate that. But if we are honest and a person of integrity, students will learn to trust us and respect us. As a matter of fact, in my experience, most of the times I have challenged a student in a situation like this, they have ended up respecting me more in the long run. But to be honest, in the short-term I am sure I have sometimes been called words that I couldn't say in front of the church.)
Anyway, if we want to overcome the ghettoization of our youth we must encourage our parents to get involved in their children's lives and help them transition as their role changes in the teen years. This is both a programmatic and thematic endeavor. We must develop programs that encourage dialogue between students and their parents. We should offer opportunities for families to engage. We should find tools for parents to help them be the best parents they can be. At the same time, we need to be a champion for parents and teenagers. We need to remind students that their parents are not the stupidist (is that a word?) people in the world. We need to remind parents that these are still the children that love them (in spite of how they might act).
What happens in the teenage years is fundamental to the rest of a student's life and how we deal with those years will shape the kind of man or woman a teenager becomes. Our role is not to coddle students and reinforce their self-image of having all the answers. But neither is our role to constantly put them in their place and tell them everything wrong that they are doing. Our role is to join with parents and other adults in engaging them in an ongoing dialogue as they develop into adults. We must be their guides, their mentors, and their voices of reason in a world full of bad advice. When we can strive for that goal and help them make better decisions, we will equip them for the years ahead. And to me, that is real success in ministry. It's the kind of success that is not measured by how many kids show up on a Wednesday night. It is measured by how many students are faithful followers of the Christ five years down the road.
shine!
Steck
